Why Friendship Helps, Heals and

Why Friendship Helps, Heals and
Makes Us Happy




Friends. It's more than the moniker of a hit television show. Without the frequent, close interaction of people in our lives, we suffer.

"Friendship – it's something many people take for granted," says Jan Yager, author of Friendshifts: The Power of Friendship and How It Shapes Our Lives (Hannacroix Creek, 1999). "They are unaware how powerful and positive friendships can be or they would take it more seriously. The right friends can help you feel worthwhile. School, work, parenting and even old age are better and more fun when shared with friends."

What Is a Friend?
Everyone uses the word "friend" when referring to someone they know, but what does it truly mean? "The word may describe anyone from a casual friend you meet for a weekly tennis game to a best friend who's like a sister," says Yager. "One way that you might want to define a friend is by those qualities that are sought in a friend, such as commitment, self-disclosure, trust, honesty and commonality. Another way to define a friend is to say it is someone who is there if you are in need."

While people come in and out of our lives on a daily basis, some will bond with us, forming a friendship that will not only give us many happy memories, but will show us the meaning of total, unconditional acceptance. "Our true friends take us as we are," says Leslie Levine, a life integration expert from Chicago, Ill. "They accept us when we're happy, when we're grieving or when we're so stressed we can't remember our middle names. Not only do friends expect us to have some baggage, they insist on carrying it as well."

The Impact of Friendship
Many experts agree that we, as humans, function best and are happiest and healthiest when we have friends in our lives. According to Carl Charnetski, Ph.D., professor of psychology at Wilkes University in Wilkes-Barre, Pa., and co-author of Feeling Good Is Good for You: How Pleasure Can Boost Your Immune System and Lengthen Your Life (Rodale, 2001), our health is literally affected by the number and quality of friends we have in our lives. "Chronic loneliness, experienced by millions, can actually be a health risk," says Charnetski. "The absence of friends is associated with higher instances of illness and a great likelihood for death. However, loving and living within a social network of friends and family improves your health and your chances of recovering from illness."

The old adage that honesty is the best policy holds true for friendship. It is in a friend's honesty that we often find the truth that can help us overcome, cope or heal. "The healing friends are the ones who listen and who can make us laugh, often at ourselves," says Levine. "Our friends also help us to heal by being honest. I remember a friend in Rochester who said to me as my father suffered from a terminal illness, 'Your life will never be the same.' I remember those words and how she said them like it was yesterday. I will never forget her candor and her generosity and her willingness to talk about a really difficult situation. Honesty and security in friendships helps to heal us mind, body and soul."

Keeping Friendships in Shape
Like anything worth holding onto, friendships must be nurtured. However, it must be from both sides. "If you're always the one calling a friend, it may begin to feel too one-sided," says Levine. "And likewise, if a friend is always calling you and you never reciprocate, she may feel hurt and misunderstood. We all need to work at relationships, but the work should feel good. It should never feel like a burden."

Another key to keeping a friendship is listening. While being able to talk to one another is important, knowing when not to talk and just listen is important as well. "We need to listen to one another, too," says Levine. "Instead of tapping at your keyboard while hanging on the line saying, 'uh huh, uh huh, yeah, yeah...' put everything down and really, truly listen. We must keep our radar in good shape, too. If we sense that someone is troubled, we can be better friends. That means we can't always think of ourselves."

According to Levine, it is very important to the health and security of a friendship to be honest. Allowing feelings of hurt, anger or resentment to harbor will only do more harm than good. "Honesty is so very, very important," says Levine. "Too often we harbor feelings that fester and become toxic just because we're afraid to bring something that's bothering us out into the open. If something is wrong, speak up."

Just imagine what it would be like if you didn't have friendships to help navigate the day-to-day stresses. Maybe it's time to look more closely at your friendships and see what you can do to keep them healthy, so they can keep you healthy, too.

"I can't imagine what it would be like without friendships," says Levine. "If we didn't have friendships, we would feel isolated, alone and disconnected. To stay healthy, we need friends."